Sunday 14th June 2015

This past week has been a strange week – I have swung from total happiness to frustration.

Today is my Auntie June’s birthday – her first birthday without her. The first year is always the hardest without someone. After that it gets a little easier but the loss never goes away. Today I am thinking of my dear Uncle Peter, my lovely cousins who are almost as close as sisters – Gemma and Kirsty and their families and of course my lovely mum. Miss you Auntie June x

On Friday me and Phil celebrated our 16th Wedding anniversary with lunch at the Lion pub. What a wonderful day our wedding was. I hope one day we can renew our vows – on a beautiful beach.

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Good thing is friends are bought together! Today my dear friends from Herfordshire are coming to visit. Bearing gifts of food! Emily, Holly and Maria – we have been through so much together – 15 years we have known each other as we met with our babies! love you girls x

It’s a funny thing cancer – it makes you think a lot. This week I have thought a lot. Not sure if that’s good or bad. And it’s difficult to explain to people how it affects your whole world. It has been good in so many ways, but also bad. I had a post come up on my Facebook the other day that explains it well, I have adapted it:

10 things I miss from my life before breast cancer:

1. Hair! – I did miss my hair a lot when it was cold, especially complete baldness. I still try not to look in the mirror, but now I’ve got used to it and I quite like the fact that it is quick to shower in the morning, I don’t worry about getting my hair wet in the rain or worry about getting windswept! My hair is growing back quickly and I like it back! Not sure if I’ll ever grow it long again though.

2. Ignorance of cancer – I have always been aware of Cancer, but yes I agree a little ignorance was good. I now know way too much about breast cancer and although my knowledge has helped me and I hope helped others, I would have rathered not to have had to learn this way.

3. Exercise – totally agree with this one. I really miss the simple things in life, exercising helps me to cope and relax – especially walking, yoga and swimming – this has been taken away from me at the moment. Unfortunately I have been too ill these past few months to do much, if any. I miss being a mermaid with Freya!

4. Imagining places I want to visit with the reality that we may get there one day – I still imagine a lot – it’s the only thing that keeps me going – I have always wanted to travel. Whether I get to these places or not I try not to think too much about as it depends on health and money. Seems less of a possibility now though.

5. Not having to rely on others. I was the most independent person ever! I think this has been one of the most difficult. I have had to learn very quickly to accept help from everyone! I still find this extremely difficult and frustrating – especially when it comes to my family and home. But I will always be grateful and feel so lucky to be surrounded by so many good people – couldn’t be doing this without so many of you! Thank you.

6. Normal boring life! Yes I often watch people from my window just blissfully ignorant of my life now. My life has never been boring but oh how I wish it was now!

7. Fear – I don’t fear dying – but I do fear not being organised for my family. Luckily I have had time to organise as much as possible just in case – as I always said to my kids on that day I was diagnosed – I could have been killed by a truck or something! I wasn’t. I have been given time and I am grateful for this! I do fear missing out and not being here with the people I love. But I also know that what will be will be and I have done everything I can. I now make EVERYTHING count! I try not to dwell on this too much as it makes me sad.

8. Guilt – yes, totally! my wonderful husband and beautiful children don’t deserve this! I feel incredibly guilty that I can’t work to help provide for them – unfortunately my income was for fun stuff that we now have to go without but when I feel well enough we have lots of free fun stuff to do! I feel guilty that my kids are having to deal with this at their young age – I know it will make them incredible adults but even so. I feel guilty that my husband works a full time job and then still has to wash, iron, clean, cook etc etc. This is such a hard one for me!

9. Pain – you get used to pain but now I am fed up of hurting. I try to just get on with it but it’s hard. I miss having a cuddle – Phil is afraid of hurting me! I long to feel better. I hope it comes. You also feel paranoid that every pain could be the cancer – this will always be in the background! I will always have to get everything checked out.

10. Control – again, a major one for me – serious lack of control – everything is out of my hands! I hate the loss of control. I love planning and organising now it’s one day at a time and nothing is booked in advance!

I hope this explains a bit to everyone. It’s hard. But it could be much worse I know. I would also like to thank everyone for their support. Keep sharing my blog – it’s helping me to know that it is helping others too now.

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These are the Breast Cancer peg dolly fairies I have be making with Freya. Cute!

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