Tuesday 7th April 2015

D-day tomorrow! kill or cure – really hope it works! I am at this moment sucking a lorazepam under my tongue – this will relax me before tomorrow and it has some anti sickness properties. So thought I’d type while waiting for it to kick in! Diazepam is my best friend at the moment to help me sleep and this is of the same group of drugs so should work well.

So, to update you all. Unfortunately I was in hospital yet again on Friday. Tthe antibiotics they sent me home with had an effect of not only stripping my good bacteria (I wish my brain was working right as I would have compensated this with some acidophilus friendly bacteria!). Instead it decided to give me the worse diarrhoea ever – positive to this is that it helped the piles! So I was prepared and contacted the doctor and got some dioralyte and drank loads – I mean constant. My wee was the colour of water! clear! I have also been suffering from terrible trapped wind or some sort of indigestion which is giving me pain across my ribs and upper stomach – this is a new one – I so wish my dad was here for advice. Feels a bit like a hug too tight and when you swallow a boiled sweet you weren’t meant to and it gets stuck! So I called the hospital to check if I could take something to counteract this. It’s so annoying taking so much medication, having side effects and then taking even more for them – this is totally against everything I believe in! I am an holistic therapist that treats the cause! So called the hospital, and they heard “chest pain” so immediately called an ambulance. I didn’t want this. I knew I wasn’t having a heart attack! But one thing I’ve learnt is just to check things out anyway. So off I went in the ambulance – easier than Phil having to take me so there’s another positive. So paramedics were amazing – the main chap had actually lost his wife a few years back to cancer so he totally understood. I also warned them that I was going to be stubborn and not get out of the ambulance unless they had a side ward in case of infection, plus I reminded them I had terrible diarrhoea and they really wouldn’t want me in A&E! Hospitals are full of bugs! He totally agreed as he was confident I was not having a heart attack! ha ha. Lucky he pulled some strings, plus there was actually a bed available and I was taken straight into the cancer ward. What a service! I had my own room, with ensuite, all brand new and got seen straight away by the doctor. The staff were all amazing – I just hope that bed is still spare tomorrow!

I thought I’d just be seen and then let home but, no! I was dehydrated. They said no matter how much water I had drunk it would never have hydrated my body! So actually I was really lucky I went in. Plus I felt really bad by this point AGAIN! This chemo is sure trying to kill me as I think I’ve had every side effect thrown at me. So another night in hospital, and home by saturday evening – thank you Jane and Dave for picking me up!

Next day, Sunday, I actually felt almost well again! I took it slow, drank lots and lots too. I’ve also learnt not to plan – not more than an hour ahead anyway – I’m getting used to this. We had a lovely visit from Phil’s sister and brother in law before they jet off to New Zealand. They came bearing gifts which is always a wonderful thing – but most of all it was so good to see them both. Then time for a rest and we had been invited to our good friends Jane and Andy for Easter sunday lunch. OMG Jane is such an amazing cook. I felt like I was having a growth spurt and ate so much – I didn’t even care what – just didn’t stop – this made Phil very happy – I also think the cider helped too! We stayed til 8pm, thank you both so much. I think Phil really needed some time out away from the dreaded Cancer talk too! Much prefer talking about cruises to the Fjords and Northern lights!! One day.

Monday, again a lovely day – still taking it easy – just like an elderly lady – it’s frustrating but I’m getting the idea that rest and fluids are good! By lunch we had more visitors bearing more food so I didn’t have to face cooking! My brother Darren, Anne and Josh. it was so lovely to see them and chat properly for a change. Most of all Josh had come to try out the new trampoline! Lots and lots of bouncing with Freya! I wish I could.  And the Stag is on the road so that was an added bonus! Boys and their cars! This is our “picnic” car and makes me happy! So another wonderful day.

Today is Nathan’s 15th birthday.  He’s so grown up and handsome, I can’t quite believe where the time has gone and I am so proud of him.  The sun is shining, my sister Michelle popped round but had to view me from a distance due to a cold as I’ve not felt so great today. And she bought me a new heart pandora charm which I love. I am gradually filling my new bracelet with hearts to represent the love shown to me this year – and I feel so very loved – it’s a nice feeling. So although I’ve not felt 100% we’ve still managed a good day of bowling, TGI Friday’s and cake! thanks for the beautiful chocolate fudge cake Mandy Gooden. I think a good day was had.

And now tomorrow looms! I’m scared! Really scared, scared that it all goes wrong and I won’t see my family again.  Scared of the pain. Scared of what the professionals don’t know. I know they have a brilliant plan and I’m sure everything will be ok but there’s just something about them not actually knowing if it will work – I suppose they have to tweak some peoples treatment. I just don’t like the way they keep reminding me how life threatening this chemo is. Luckily I have been reading a lot and it didn’t come as a surprise. I also know I am in the right place if all doesn’t work so good. Getting a lift in with my friends mum Jane, as I think I’ll feel better if Phil is here to look after the children – less to worry about. Plus I think I’m going to be out of it on these tablets! Which is good!

If I was 20/30 years older I would not be doing this chemo – as many of you know I have been researching diet, exercise, mind etc to help with the fight against cancer.  I hope I’ve chosen to do the right thing for myself and family.

I’ve had lots of time to reflect and I still say that up until now there has been far more positives than negatives that has come out of this Cancer stuff – at some point I will try and list them but just believe me at the moment – although I have found this hard to believe myself that so much good has come out of such a bad thing already! The best thing is my family is even more full of love! My love is overflowing for them – I am so blessed.

I also realise that all my life since the age of 11 probably I have been a worrier and have always had stress in my life – I think this is a big thing with the cancer – worry about my mum and dad’s relationship and money worries, my best friends dad committing suicide when we were 11, my first boyfriend being killed in a car crash when I was just 14 and he 18 – and back then there was no support, working from age 13 in a pub – you can imagine, drinking far too much to blot it all out, working long hours in london in very stressful jobs, again money worries, buying houses, saving and organising our wedding, having babies! that’s all lovely but stressful, juggling 5 part time jobs, Phil working away and long hours, my dad dying age 62, mum’s breast cancer, being a reflexologist but worrying about my clients, again worrying about my students at college, and my own children etc – I think you all get the idea I WORRY A LOT! And this has had to stop!

You see my problem is I just think far too much! Always have done and I’m sure I always will do. But one thing this has taught me even more is to grasp everything in life, only do stuff that makes you happy and try every day to make everyone else you come into contact happy – I think I have – I love my life, every bit of it and I am not ready to give up yet. I am picturing myself as Zena Warrior Princess – or something similar and I am ready for battle tomorrow.

So wish me luck for tomorrow! Must go as these drugs have kicked in and I have fuzzy vision.

Thank you every one of our friends and family – could not be doing this without you all xxx

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6 thoughts on “Tuesday 7th April 2015

  1. I don’t know how you do this Trace, detailing everything thats happening now and in years gone by, it’s certainly an eye opener to so many who read your step by step, day to day experience, which has definitely in no way gone smoothly these past few weeks. I think tomorrow must be, and I really hope so time for the turning point in this such horrible treatment for you, I so wish positive thoughts and lots of love to you, thinking of you always….xxx

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    1. Well….I know we had a dog called Zena…but now I have to imagine you being the warrior princess. You make me laugh :-). You will be her tomorrow and take everything given to you in your stride and take on the battle!!!. You are much more prepared for chemo 2 and so are the doctors. I’m so so sorry I’m not going to be with you tomorrow. In a weird way I was looking forward to ‘chilling’ will my sister and having you all to myself, nattering and looking at holiday photos. But unfortunately I have a cold and cough that prevents me being with you. I even researched flu masks, but that’s still not 100% and the risk is too high to even consider. I loved seeing you for an hour today in the garden, even being far away. You looked really well….and I loved your gorgeous patchy head x. Good luck tomorrow my remarkable sister. I really pray dad is looking after you from above and everyone’s positivity gets you through this god awful treatment. For your husband and children….you will do it. I know you will. Your blog really is so honest and is helping you and everyone around you. I love you so much and text whenever you want to. I know you are scared……you have every right to be, but you will be ok….I can feel it. Love you my darling sister xxx

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  2. Trace, i walked with you today through the hospital. I promised you I’d read your blog and I just wanted you to know that I have red it and find you such an inspiration! Good luck with the chemo x

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